The Quality of Self-Awareness in Compassionate Inquiry

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Compassionate Inquiry is a psychotherapeutic approach characterized by three primary components: 

  • 1) 11 Qualities that the therapist has embodied and brings to the therapeutic relationship; 
  • 2) 22 Skills that the therapist has developed and employs; 
  • 3) 17 Stepping Stones that are utilized organically in a line of inquiry with the client.

We know from published research over the last 25 years that the therapist’s personal qualities and their connection with their client are stronger determinants for a successful therapeutic outcome than the specific therapeutic approach that is used 1 2. Therapy happens between two individuals, and healing is proportional to the strength of the therapeutic relationship. Since we are wounded in relationship, there is also the potential to heal in relationship. I’ve come to recognize that the issues that my clients bring to our sessions are also issues that are in me. In CI, we call this the ‘compassion of recognition.’ The exploration and resolution that occurs in each session is beneficial to both client and therapist. In Compassionate Inquiry, the therapist’s relationship with the client is one of “being with”, while accompanying them on a journey as they deepen self-awareness, self-understanding and self-compassion. 

What qualities are clients looking for in therapists? Research and common sense suggest that the qualities that forge a secure bond between therapist and client are warmth, empathy 3, compassion and respect 4. When these are present, therapy is likely to be successful regardless of the techniques or modality that is employed. 

In Compassionate Inquiry, we invite the therapist to embody 11 Qualities that can enrich and deepen the therapeutic alliance. These are: 1) empathetic abiding presence; 2) self-awareness; 3) trust in one’s gut feelings and intuition; 4) authenticity; 5) curiosity; 6) confidence; 7) non-judgement and acceptance; 8) compassion; 9) humility; 10) playfulness; 11) non-attachment.

In this article we will explore one of those qualities – Self-Awareness. 

Ci Quality Of Self

Photo by Ashley Batz on Unsplash

What is the Self?

In order to understand self-awareness, it is first necessary to define the self. To which self are we directing awareness towards? Psychotherapeutic approaches and spiritual disciplines have very different conceptual frameworks for the self. 

For the purposes of this article, I will be referring to the self as the totality of the individual, consisting of all characteristic attributes, conscious and unconscious, mental, emotional, physical, spiritual and energetic. The self is influenced by the particular time and place that it inhabits and the ancestral, relational, social, historical, cultural, political and ecological contexts that exist around it. The self is interconnected and interdependent with the living beings, geography, soil, air, water, resources, climate and planetary conditions that surround it. The self is simultaneously the witness and the experiencer, both the audience and the actor in a play called ‘Life’.  

11 Dimensions of the Self

Dimensions of the self that are pertinent to grasping self-awareness are that the self:

  1. Has agency, intention, and choice in how it responds to stimuli
  2. Has the capacity for and orients towards growth and development
  3. Is motivated by values, a sense of purpose and goals
  4. Is capable of awareness and responsiveness to the signals from the physical body in the present moment
  5. Is capable of awareness and responsiveness to the signals from the external environment in the present moment
  6. Undergoes a process of individuation, seeking fulfillment, self-actualization and wholeness
  7. Can access inner wisdom and inner guidance, and has the capacity to know what it needs and wants
  8. Is an emergent and dynamic pattern of interactions rather than a stable, static entity
  9. Is influenced by bodily sensations, physical health, age, and posture along with ancestral, relational, social, historical, cultural, political, geographical and ecological contexts. These will inform the personality, physiology, mental-emotional patterns, moods and expression of the self
  10. Tends to identify with what it latches onto through the senses, and through the perceiving mind, including the physical body, aspects of the personality, emotions, thought patterns, events and core beliefs
  11. Has the capacity to be unattached and formless, the witness of everything, untouched by phenomena, as pure awareness 

What Is Awareness?

Now that we have described the self, let’s explore the meaning of ‘awareness’. One definition of awareness is “knowledge and understanding that something is happening or exists, internally, externally, and/or inter-relationally, based on information and experience5” Awareness is the capacity to perceive, feel, notice and to be conscious of what is inside or outside of the individual self, contained within and beyond time and space.

Awareness can be directed towards an internal process, such as bringing attention to sensations and emotions in the body; to the sound and feeling of the breath or the heartbeat; to one’s thoughts or internal drivers; to the movement of the body in surrounding space; or to external objects and events perceived through the senses, such as the colours of a flower, the phrasing in a piece of music, the flavour of a particular brand of coffee or tea, the warmth beside a woodstove, or the smell of fresh mint. Our awareness is also programmed to register potential external dangers, as well as cues of safety.

Awareness can be directed to our relational lives – how our words and actions impact others and affect the reciprocal dynamic of a partnership, family, community, workplace, country, climate, other creature or species, the earth and even space. 

Awareness is a quality that develops through time, maturation, experience, practice, reflection, exposure to a variety of perspectives and cultures, and socialization. Our awareness will be influenced by our education, family members and the cultures, media and environments we inhabit. Awareness implies that we are open and willing to learn something new, to expand our perspective. Dedicated spiritual practice of meditation, concentration, absorption and contemplation can enhance awareness.

Sadly, large scale awareness among humans seems cataclysmically lacking – how else can we make sense of the climate crisis; the wars between nations; the devastating effects of microplastic pollution; the ongoing unnoticed parade of species marching into oblivion; and the ominous, unopposed proliferation of space junk? These are only a few of our global inter-relational failures, despite having reams of information and experiential proof that our actions and inactions have consequences that threaten survival of global ecosystems. Awareness precedes responsibility – once we are aware of the impact of our actions, we can take responsibility and initiative to change the outcome.

Self-Awareness in Humans

Self-awareness refers to our ability to introspectively recognize and understand ourselves— our thoughts, sensations, emotions, beliefs, intuitions, dreams, fantasies, motivations, needs, body and behaviors. It involves being conscious of one’s own existence as a separate yet connected individual with a unique history, characteristics, mental-emotional patterns, physical attributes, strengths and limitations, and experiences, existing in a particular context in which we can choose how to show up.

Self-awareness can be directed towards the body. Interoception is the term given to our ability to perceive the felt sense within the body – noticing such things as tension in the gut; warmth and openness in the heart; the heart rate speeding up or slowing down; or restlessness in the legs. Being aware of emotional states such as joy, sadness, shame, disgust, gratitude, love, fear and anger and their accompanying body sensations are further examples of interoception. In this moment, what do you notice in your own body? I can feel the warmth in my tummy from a recent hot cup of tea, and coolness on the tops of my feet.

Self-awareness includes awareness of one’s physical appearance and image. During a recent Zoom call with a well-known therapist, I couldn’t help but notice with amusement and familiarity the multiple times at the start of the call that the therapist fixed his hair with his hands as he viewed his image, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was being watched by a few hundred people. I recognize this same sequence in myself – the habit of checking my appearance in a mirror or on a screen; the quick assessment, and an automatic reflexive adjustment to deem myself more acceptable to others.

In humans, self-awareness includes recognizing and naming one’s personality traits, needs and desires, biases, beliefs, judgements and thoughts. Self-awareness helps us to peel away our conditioning so that we have greater choice in how we respond to each situation, increasing agency. 

Agency is a fundamental goal of psychotherapy, fortified by greater self-awareness6. Agency refers to our ability to take intentional action, make choices, and direct our lives based on our values, intuition, talents, goals, needs, desires and surroundings. Developing agency helps us move from feeling stuck or helpless to actively shaping our lives with confidence, commitment and purpose.

Self-Awareness in Other Species

One test used to evaluate self-awareness in animals is the Mirror Test. The test involves first providing animals with prolonged exposure to their reflection in a mirror, and then placing a visible mark on the animal’s body that can only be seen with the aid of a mirror. If the animal uses the mirror to investigate or attempt to remove the mark, it is considered to possess some level of self-awareness. 

Animals that have passed the Mirror Test include chimpanzees7, bonobos, orangutans, gorillas8, elephants9, dolphins10, killer whales, magpies11, nutcrackers12, and even certain ants13!  (Yes, brown ants attempt to remove blue marks when looking in a mirror). 

Species that consistently pass the Mirror Test are highly social, suggesting that social animals developed larger brains and greater cognitive ability to deal with complex social relationships involving collaboration and close relationships14. Chimpanzees, for example, are capable of forming complex social structures with groups of up to 150 individuals15. Killer whale pods consist of an older female matriarch and her male and female descendants. Adult sons stay with their mother throughout their lives while adult daughters and their children may spend some time away from the matriarch, but are often found roaming nearby16. Ants exist in colonies of 100 to millions of individuals, depending on the species. Each ant interacts with dozens to hundreds of ants each day17.

Socialization Enhances Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is enhanced when we live in complex social structures, interacting with others in our day-to-day activities. When we rub shoulders and converse with family, peers, colleagues and community members, we have an opportunity to interpret behaviours and react to others in a variety of ways. The process of choosing a response refines our sense of self. We can agree, disagree, comply with or reject the communication offered. When I learn that someone has a perception of me, flattering or unflattering, I reflect upon whether it is true, and become more aware of myself in the process. To a large degree, we know ourselves by how others respond to us.

The more socially engaged we are, the more familiar we become with human nature, and recognize the motivations, coping strategies, strengths, limitations and unconscious drivers in others, which we may also share or emulate. We increase emotional intelligence, empathy, intuition and healthy caution through interacting with a wide variety of people. We may seek to model ourselves after those who inspire us and learn to avoid or escape those who can potentially harm us.

Our self-concept is developed through the feedback we receive from others. If others perceive us positively and communicate this to us, our self-esteem increases. If other belittle, judge, bully or reject us, self-esteem falters. Our personality is shaped by the people around us. We have the opportunity to influence others’ self-concept, positively or negatively, through our communication and actions. This is the miracle of therapy. As a therapist, I have an opportunity to contribute to a healthy self-concept in my client through the way I respond, mirror, validate and inquire into their process.

When we engage in conversation about something that matters to us, whether it be emotions, situations, experiences or ideas, we develop greater self-awareness when another human listens attentively, reflects back what they have heard, and shares their perspective. This may bring light to what is unconscious, unacknowledged or suppressed within us, encouraging us to view ourselves with a wider lens. 

As we adapt to different roles, expectations, and opportunities in our family, workplace and social networks, we come to know our likes, dislikes, values and capacity. We make decisions, set boundaries, choose priorities, navigate conflict, and allocate time and resources according to either what is expected of us, or what we value. Through a sequence of behavioural choices, we become aware of who we are meant to be, and what is not a match for our evolving self.  

Self-Inquiry Generates Self-Awareness 

Self-awareness can be developed through a process of inquiry. I gain much more insight through asking myself a question than by telling myself what I should do. In Compassionate Inquiry, acceptance and curiosity gradually replace judgement and control. Some of the questions that enhance self-awareness are:

  1. What am I believing about myself right now?
  2. What do I believe about the other person? Do I know that it is true? Is there any other possibility? 
  3. What is the impact of my belief on myself and others?
  4. What do I notice in my body as I listen to the other person speak?
  5. What do I notice in my body as I speak?
  6. What emotion is present right now?
  7. Are my words congruent with what I feel?
  8. Am I expressing what I feel?
  9. What am I not expressing?
  10. Which part of me is speaking or operating at the moment? How old do I feel as this part speaks?
  11. What do I need? What do I want?
  12. If this sensation or emotion could speak, what would it say?
  13. What is the defence mechanism that is active in me at the moment? What is it doing for me? What is it protecting?
  14. What is important to me? What are my values? Am I living them?
  15. What do I enjoy?
  16. What is my responsibility in this situation and what is not my responsibility?
  17. What am I not accepting in myself at this time? What is in the way of self-compassion and self-acceptance?
  18. How am I judging myself? Is this judgement the voice of one of my parents or early caregivers?

How to Develop Self-Awareness

Developing self-awareness is a life-long process that involves introspection, reflection, and observation of one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors; along with integration of one’s experiences; and openness to the feedback from others. Self-awareness includes noting the impact of our actions, and then adjusting our behaviour to create a more desirable impact. Thankfully, I am much more aware today of the loss of connection with my children when I offer unsolicited advice, than I was ten years ago. I’ve become better at asking questions rather than providing answers. 

Several practices can support the cultivation of self-awareness, such as journaling; meditation; contemplation or self-reflection; asking for feedback from others; psychotherapy; mind-body practices such as yoga, tai chi and qigong; and breathing exercises. I savour the moments during meditation practice or walks in the forest when insights arise spontaneously, and I know what to do next, or how to resolve a difficult situation. For some people, self-assessment tools, such as self-questionnaires, checklists or surveys are also useful.

As a Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner, my self-awareness is augmented and the session is more impactful for my client when I exercise the following 11 practices or traits: 

  1. Pay attention to what is present in the moment, and ramp up the quality of my attention.
  2. Simultaneously divide my attention between what I notice arising in me (sensations, emotions, tension, relaxation, judgements, assumptions, shifts in mood, spontaneous thoughts) and what I notice in the client (body language, eye gaze, change in posture, breathing patterns, change in voice, particular words, facial expressions, movements, dissociation, level of openness, defence mechanisms).
  3. Increase sensitivity – open the doors of perception a little wider to listen, feel and see more. My enhanced awareness guides me to ask the right question at the right time.
  4. Openness – I allow myself to feel the impact – physically, emotionally and energetically, of what I perceive from the outside, without shutting down within myself, or shutting down the client because I am unable to bear witness to their experience or powerful emotions.
  5. Curiosity – I am motivated to learn more about the client and myself, and how our interactions can bring us into greater resonance and understanding.
  6. Discernment – As my system responds to the client, I recognize what arises in me that is a result of my conditioning and past experiences, and what is the clients to investigate. My focus during the session is to respond to the client and support their exploration. I also discern how much of a reaction (the client’s or mine) to a situation comes from the present, and how much from the past. I discern whether the words of the client or myself are coming from a place of authenticity, or are an attempt to maintain safety and attachment.
  7. Bring courage to the encounter. Courage to look at my reaction to something the client says; courage to say I made a mistake, or missed something. Courage to be vulnerable and share something about myself when it will deepen the therapeutic alliance. Courage to ask a difficult question that may bring up pain for the client. Courage to acknowledge what is present in myself, what I see in the client, or an unspoken truth.
  8. A close friend of self-awareness is acceptance. Self-awareness with self-judgement is painfully toxic and debilitating. Self-awareness with acceptance of everything that arises is liberating.
  9. Self-compassion adds a warm embrace to self-awareness. Without compassion, awareness can be dry, brittle and isolating. When they are nurtured together, we become wise and welcome companions to ourselves and others.
  10. Non-attachment enhances self-awareness. A fixed view, a need to be right, or a strong opinion or judgement will obscure self-awareness.
  11. Equanimity – I have enough inner calm to respond with equanimity to whatever the client brings to the session, and whatever arises in me in response. I can be present, accepting, curious and understanding. If/when judgements or reactions arise, I can notice them and self-regulate.

Self-Awareness in a Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner

Self-awareness is one of the key qualities to embody as a Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner. In a Compassionate Inquiry session, self-awareness includes bringing attention to the fluctuations in one’s inner world as one is simultaneously attuned and sensitively aware of the client’s words, body language, breathing patterns and energetic state. The inquiry we have first practiced with ourselves prepares us to offer potent questions to our clients. 

When we utilize skillful inquiry, we encourage increased self-awareness in our clients, which leads to a greater sense of agency, choice, freedom and wholeness.

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