A trauma-trained psychotherapist and clinical supervisor, Mansi has supported individuals through trauma, life transitions, and emotional healing for 14 years. She specializes in Compassionate Inquiry®, somatic therapy, narrative therapy, and inner child healing. Her integrative approaches support deep transformation in both body and mind. She is currently undertaking advanced training in Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST), Somatic Experiencing, and Somatic Psychotherapy.
This post is a short edited excerpt of Mansi’s story and how she helps women prioritize their own needs in India’s shaming, people-pleasing culture. Listen to her full interview on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
When I peel off the diagnostic labels, such as “borderline” or “bipolar,” and look underneath, I find so many beliefs. It’s changing for urban young adults, but I think Indian women were born to fawn. We internalize appeasement patterns, fawning responses, and people-pleasing to keep toxic family members happy. Many of us grew up with that. Women bend over backwards to please their husband and in-laws. Family comes first, so if there is a family crisis or a religious function, they might cancel a meeting to cater to the family. They’re afraid of the family getting upset or the family’s reputation being impacted.
The first belief is sacrifice is love. The second is: family honor is more important than personal happiness. By the time women turn 35 or 45, many haven’t explored what makes them happy. The third belief is that good women don’t say no.
Last year, a friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I sent her many of Gabor Maté’s videos and his book, When the Body Says No, which connects autoimmune diseases to people-pleasing and fawning behaviors. I read it to her and highlighted it. She resonated with everything Gabor said, and she told me, “Mansi, I spent my entire life looking out for what people were saying about me. I don’t want to live like this anymore.” A week before she passed on, she said, “Do not people-please, do not sacrifice your authenticity and yourself for a man, for love, for marriage. It’s too late for me, but please look after yourself, because nothing is more important than yourself and your health.” I meet so many young people with autoimmune diseases, and so many women echo her words.
Indian women people-please because they have no choice. Their survival depends on pleasing their family and/or their husband. Many women tell me if they stand up for their rights, they’re shamed, a practice that’s very strong in our culture. Shame is used as a tool to perpetuate cultural tradition, which eventually causes trauma. Even men are shamed for not being breadwinners, not earning enough, and not being manly or masculine enough. Women are shamed for their sexuality, their bodies, or the ways they choose to live. I hope men hear this, because they’re key drivers of change in patriarchy and misogyny. When men advocate for women, whether they’re family members, friends, or partners, it goes a long way.
Shame starts in childhood with constant comparisons, body shaming, and humiliation. Parents compare their kid to other kids. “Look at her. Look at how thin she is. Look at how fair she is. Look at you. You don’t keep yourself well. You don’t dress well.”
I’ve been shamed for my entire life. “Look at your hair.” I was born with this hair. I cannot change it.” Look at your nose. Look at your weight. You look pregnant.” I’ve been shamed by teachers, peers, and family members. I was shamed in front of a classroom of 45 kids. I know 60-year-olds who are still being humiliated by their parents. That constant shaming… I remember how it feels, how it lands in my body. I’m naturally an introvert, but shaming makes me shrink; it makes me small. Even today some relatives shame me for not being social enough or not attending large family gatherings. They say, “You’re old now, and you can’t afford to do this. You’ll have no relationships.” So much shaming, humiliation, and criticism shows up in family dynamics. Even friends deliver subtle put-downs.
Going back to the conflict women face in balancing our marital and family lives in this patriarchal culture with our own needs. This question brings a lot of women into therapy. I faced it myself, as in my first marriage, I joined a highly patriarchal, right-leaning, misogynistic family culture. I was not allowed to go to the gym or wear Western clothes, and I was expected to cover my head. The women woke up earlier than the men, cooked for the men, and ate after the men. If there was takeout, we got leftovers. These things completely shocked me, as I didn’t have these constrictions in my family.
Eventually I tried to speak up. I tried to get my husband to advocate for me, but he only said, “Ignore it. It doesn’t matter; just keep ignoring it.” A lot of the men say this, but when you’re receiving injustice and discrimination, it’s really hard to ignore. Thankfully, my parents were very supportive. They said, “You need to walk out of a marriage like this.” And I did, so yes, having supportive parents in this culture makes a huge difference.
In Indian culture, parents are considered godlike figures, untouchable. Even now, when I put out parental abuse content on Instagram, I get trolled very aggressively. It’s a very hot topic here, as it is so common; most people don’t see what their parents did as abuse. Also, Indian parents give their offspring a lot of nurturing and care, often supporting them financially through their lifespans. This complicates matters, as financial support becomes love and care. Many mature men ask their parents for money. They may be 50, but their finances are controlled by their families. It is a form of control, and it inflicts a lot of psychological damage.
With the rise of social media, Western media, and parenting discourses, we’ve seen a shift in how Indian parents are parenting today. There’s less physical violence. When I was growing up, belting a kid was normal. Many of my peers will laugh and joke about it, saying, ‘Kids nowadays are obnoxious. We turned out great because our parents whacked us up.’ Parents justified this abuse by saying, “This is for your own good.” If you’re a woman, you’re told, “You have to adjust to your in-laws, so we’re just preparing you for marriage.” In Compassionate Inquiry® sessions, my clients often say, “They did it out of love. They cared for me. They didn’t want to spoil me.”
In Compassionate Inquiry® we ask a question about ‘the other child’ that I love: “Would you do this to your kid or would you do this to any kid?” I have yet for anyone to tell me, “Yes, I would hit them,” or “Yes, I would psychologically abuse them by shaming, humiliating, or controlling them. So I ask them, “Why not? You say that your parents did this out of love, but you’re not going to do this out of love?” That’s when they sit back, and I notice something shifts. That’s when they realize that maybe this is trauma and that something occurred that impacted them in a painful, distressing way.
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the interview, and if you like it, please subscribe and share.
