Jessica bridges Internal Family Systems, attachment theory, trauma recovery, and relational psychology to help people cultivate secure, self-led relationships—with themselves and others. David created the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy, and repair. JP runs a trauma therapy practice, works in homeless care, and teaches close combat in his own school.
This excerpt explains why understanding our attachment style is essential for deep intrinsic relational growth through polyamorous relationships. Listen to the full interview on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
Attachment plays a tremendous role in polyamory, or ethical non-monogamy. I saw that years ago. Clients who were both experienced in and new to polyamory were coming in to sort through their relating challenges. What they were often describing (without the psychological language) was attachment insecurity, attachment ruptures, or attachment healing that they’d never experienced before. Back then, these related issues were not connected with attachment theory, but it was obvious to me that they were, as my clients are a population of people forging multiple attachment bonds.
As infants, we develop one of four attachment styles. Someone with a secure attachment style might say, “I feel safe and secure and connected to my caregivers and then to my romantic partners or other attachment figures as adults that might not be romantic.” When we feel safe, connected, and attuned to, we have more relational freedom to explore. However, statistically, in the US, less than 50% of the population experienced secure attachment as infants. Most of us fall into one of three insecure attachment styles, depending on what we went through as children or even what ruptures or traumas we experienced in adulthood. We may be more withdrawn, which is called ‘avoidant/dismissive.’ We can be more hypervigilant and grasping, which is called anxious/preoccupied. Or we might vacillate between those two styles, and that’s called disorganized attachment.
These are the mechanics behind our relational dynamics. A few years ago, most people weren’t aware of their attachment style unless they’d been in therapy for a while. Now it’s becoming more widely understood. You’ll see memes on social media about attachment styles. ‘What’s your attachment style?’ is even a question on some dating profiles. But we’re only at the beginning of really exploring what that means.
The more challenging aspect of polyamory is that we’re often, on one hand, forced to be more aware of our own attachment systems and how we operate in attachment-based relationships. So there’s this invitation to uplevel, to be more conscious of these facets of ourselves. But on the other hand, we need to be aware of the ways in which it can be distorted. So we have to learn about phenomena like ‘new relationship energy,’ as it’s easy to get caught up in the hormonal flush of meeting someone, in having that sense of connection and resonance, and in getting swept away by that process. When you’re in a new relationship, attachment mechanisms don’t really activate. That happens as the relationship moves further along. And with multiple partners, you can extend that new relationship phase for far longer than you would in a monogamous context. So often people think, ‘This is amazing. I don’t have the same problems in this relationship as in my other relationship. We never get into the shit.’ That’s only because you don’t have the same domesticity, the same proximity, or the same time under your belt in terms of shared daily responsibilities. Those things, that ‘shit’ (those attachment wounds), activate later. Polyamory offers a really interesting yin and yang—both a profound opportunity to learn more about yourself and how your sense of attachment really gets played with in the relational context. So if you are drawn to it, I invite you to consider: Do you want to be doing this emotional work with more than one partner?
In my book, Polysecure, I reflect: “Many of us juggle multiple life factors, including businesses to run, work to go to, children to take care of, our physical bodies to tend to, homes and cars that need maintenance, friends and family to keep up with, groups and communities to stay active with, and so on. Emails to respond to and an online presence to maintain, not to mention the time needed for self-care, exercise, play, personal growth, meditation practice, shows to binge, or simple quiet time in nature. Economic times have also changed. For many, a single income is barely enough to support a single person, let alone a family. As I enumerate all of these life factors, I’m actually surprised that anyone has time for even one securely attached relationship. Secure attachment takes time both to establish and to maintain. Research shows that it takes babies up to seven months for their attachment to their caregivers to become securely established. And for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to solidify. So while you might feel an instant connection or resonance with someone, building an actual relationship based on trust, seeing each other in multiple contexts, deeply understanding each other, and relating in securely attached ways requires time.”
Gabor Maté also said. “You always marry someone that’s going to trigger for you every unhappiness you ever had in your childhood. So when we find somebody to be in a relationship with, it happens on two levels. One level is I find them attractive, they’re funny, and they’re fun to be with. Underneath, there’s a looking for the love we never got in the first place. So relationships are very much a matter of growing up together, if that can happen. But I guarantee you when you marry someone, you can find both your dreams and your worst nightmares.”
So, yes, we’ve got all these other things going on in our lives, but the opportunity polyamory offers is to do our relational work on multiple levels, focusing on different things that wouldn’t come up with just one partner. In my own experience with multiple partners, some of my newer partners triggered things that previous partners never activated. Both the beauty of certain needs I hadn’t had met and also some of those nightmares. There’s also this dynamic of having ‘metamors’ (your partner’s partner(s)). You’re not involved with them, but you’re all involved with the same person. When I became polyamorous, my stepparent trauma was activated. The triangulation between my dad and stepmom was activated with my partner and his other partner.
On the surface, when we name all these things that can happen and all the challenges of just being in one relationship, it sounds overwhelming. But I don’t want the complexity and challenges to deter anyone from realizing polyamory’s potential for expanding their healing and joy.
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the interview, and if you like it, please subscribe and share.
