Diana is a psychotherapist who blends Compassionate Inquiry®, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Schema Therapy, Systemic Therapy, and countless diverse specialty trainings with her innate openness, kindness, and compassion. Silva is an experienced psychosexual and relationship therapist who supports people with compulsive sexual behaviors and sexual abuse survivors. He also provides training on sex and relationships, compulsive sexual behaviors, trauma, and grief.
This short excerpt explores how modern religion and patriarchy have shaped sexuality and why owning our natural desires without shame is essential. Hear the full interview on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
It’s fascinating to see that throughout human history, there have been many different norms and relationships when it comes to sex, sexual practices, and sexuality. Back before modern religions existed, as we know them today, humans had very different relationships with sex. Different sexual practices, bodies, and sexualities were embedded in society. But when religions arrived, they brought prohibition. They taught that sex is only for procreation, that abstinence is a virtue, and that sex should not be pleasurable. Sex should only involve two people who should be married. So all of these things come from early religions. Colonization spread these ideas all over the world, and even though we have a more liberal society today, many of the assumptions we still hold around monogamy and sexuality are rooted in religion. Also, because little good sex education is provided, there are many things about sex that people believe to be true that are false constructs that originated in religious teachings.
I’m not saying that those religious values are not good. It’s not about good or bad; it’s just having an awareness of what’s being imposed on us versus what we think and want for ourselves. And when we are aware, we can start to be more autonomous with our thinking, our desires, and our sexuality.
We’re not enjoying many aspects of our intimate relationships because of this cultural silencing. For hundreds of years we’ve been conditioned not to speak about sex. This made us exile the part of us that brings joy and fun into sexuality. Without that, our sexual curiosity and playfulness are stunted. And if trauma is somehow connected to our sexuality, it can become such a hard place to even enter, let alone be interested in or be curious about. So we stay away and maybe find a quick-fix solution and hope things will get better. This is often when people get lost.
Because if we can’t talk about sex, we cannot talk about boundaries or consent or what inspires us or what brings us pleasure. Too often, people don’t know the names of their body parts that are associated with sex. That ignorance can be a real block to sexual health and even overall physical health. And for some people who’ve been touched inappropriately, they can’t explain where they’ve been touched inappropriately. Likewise, people experiencing pain around their genitals, or in areas associated with sexuality, who don’t know what those body parts are called, can’t explain where the pain is. Both scenarios create blocks to sexual health and healthcare, which is really terrible. So, it’s important to talk about those things, as they’re actually a core part of our health.
Not being comfortable with the language can also be an issue for therapists, because if nobody uses the body part names, nobody knows what is being talked about, which can get quite confusing. Therapists are trained to have difficult conversations. That’s the biggest bulk of our training, and yet when it comes to sexuality, there isn’t much training on how to speak about sex explicitly. Many therapists feel shame when doing so. Consequently, they’re not asking the questions because they don’t know how to or because they’re afraid of what might happen if they ask sexually explicit questions. And that block goes beyond therapy. Some medical doctors have told me that what they’ve learned in their medical courses on sexuality could be written on the back of a napkin. So sexology knowledge is really absent in most healthcare professions’ educations.
Another big issue is patriarchy. It is heteronormative, which means we view everyone in the binary of male and female and in the context of heterosexuality. People living outside patriarchy and heteronormativity face many issues with sexuality. So a common issue I see is when gay men, for example, have an issue, like a fissure on their anus. This makes anal sex either impossible or extremely painful. If they seek medical help, a doctor often dismisses their complaint as nonurgent because they either don’t realize (or don’t want to know) that because of this issue, a part of that man’s sexual health or sexual life is completely blocked. Doctors react very differently if a man comes in because of an issue with his penis. They treat that with much more urgency.
And for women, it’s the same thing. Not only is much of the female body still misunderstood, but there’s little help available for women experiencing sexual pain. They’re not considered urgent, so too often they’re dismissed and told it’s all in their minds. So women’s sexual dysfunction can take years to be diagnosed, which is a huge issue. But if it’s something to do with the penis, plenty of help is available immediately. I advise my clients to find therapists or doctors who actually understand these things, but outside of the big cities, like London, not everyone has access to those kinds of medical professionals. Another story I hear regularly from many clients is that they’re afraid of their sexual urges. Men of all sexualities are shamed for having sexual urges, as they are currently considered ‘dangerous.’ Part of that narrative is attached to male sexual abusers. As men are overwhelmingly dominant in the male sexual offense statistics, male sexual desire is perceived to be dangerous. Many men who come to my consulting room, especially in the context of sexual compulsivity, do not actually have sexual compulsivity. They think they do because their sexual desire is perceived to be higher than what is deemed ‘okay’ either by their partner(s) or by society. And that perception comes with a lot of shame. So for them to understand that sexual urges are a natural part of life, to teach them what sexual urges are, and how to serve, meet, and make sense of them is really important. It’s about seeing them, not as broken, but as whole human beings, having completely natural healthy sexual energies, and letting them know, ‘there’s nothing wrong with you.’
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the interview, and if you like it, please subscribe and share.
