After earning a degree in pedagogy, Fredrik devoted the equivalent of 10+ years of full-time studies to independent training in psychology, psychiatry, law and multiple therapeutic modalities. Today, after working with addiction and trauma for 17 years, he combines Compassionate Inquiry® with Trauma- Informed Yoga. He also conducts Trauma-Informed Yoga sessions, through the Prison Yoga Project, Scandinavia, for ex-cons and men returning after treatment.
This short edited excerpt of Fredrik’s interview explores his drive ‘to be somebody,’ the traumas and related beliefs that ultimately directed his early life. Hear his full interview on The Gifts of Trauma.
Photo Credit: Niclas Kindahl
My drive to study was captured in a song title by a heavy metal band from the 80s: I Want to Be Somebody. That’s my drive, to be somebody, to understand things that I didn’t understand before, but mostly, it’s to be somebody.
I speak Swedish and English, have a Master’s degree in Education, and studied Forensic Psychiatry, Neuropsychiatry and Criminality. I am a Supervisor in Psychosocial work, Addiction and Family Network. I’m a Trauma-Informed Yoga Teacher and Trainer. I have knowledge of Social Law, Moral Reconation Therapy, Breaking The Chains Of Trauma, Transactional Analysis, Community Reinforcement Approach, Motivational Interviewing, Aggression, ACE Awareness and I’m a Compassionate Inquiry® Practitioner.
Today I can say that I am somebody, I count, I have value.. But growing up, I didn’t perceive myself that way. Studying has always been my way to gain value. ‘If I know this, therefore I am.’ It springs from my belief that I’m not worthy, which arose after I experienced terrible trauma when I was three or four years old. I was sexually abused by my grandmother’s husband. I remember the fear, the loneliness, and that no one talked about it. I felt totally alone. Feeling my fear, and believing I was alone led me to also believe that I had no value.
These beliefs were strengthened by silence and inaction. My mother found out that something terrible had happened to me, that my grandmother’s husband had been mean to me, but she never asked any further and she didn’t tell anyone. My grandmother always knew, but no one ever talked about it. My mother didn’t tell my father.
Their not telling, not speaking of it, not doing anything about it, reinforced my beliefs. For a young boy, It’s scary to be alone, and of course, if I am alone I must be worthless. When my grandmother’s husband died, I was five and I blamed myself. He died of a heart attack, but in my mind It was my fault. I remember having so much shame and self-blame. I was extremely scared of him, but I also remember how sad I was when he died.
Today I run Konciensia, an outpatient clinic for addiction, trauma and group development, with my wife. I have two children, and I’m in a healthy state of mind and body. I no longer run off into the night to do drugs or engage in criminal activities. The journey from there to here was quite a process.
As a youth growing into an adult who was driven to study and work, I was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. In elementary and high school I got okay-to-good grades, so I started university at 21. That’s my good Dr. Jekyll part. I balanced that with my bad Mr Hyde part, who had addictions and joined criminal gangs. These two parts were both simultaneously searching for worthiness, to be somebody. In retrospect, being able to balance these polarities was a gift, as many or all the people I’ve worked with as an adult, haven’t been able to balance both.
When I was in high school, I could sit in the cafeteria, take amphetamines, then go to a lecture and get good grades. I could also go to my grandmother’s house for dinner, and afterwards, take drugs and go to the motorcycle club. I don’t know if it’s talent or luck, but I’ve always had those two parts that I could balance. I also have two opposite drives, one is always wanting to be more, the other is afraid of getting stuck. Often I would start something, get quite good at it, then when I no longer valued it, I’d stop and start the next thing. It was a distinct pattern.
After earning my undergraduate degree, I continued to study to become a teacher. In my early twenties, I drank a lot. And when I drink alcohol, I get mad, psychotically angry, aggressive and dangerous. Some really bad things happened, but I didn’t get punished, or serve jail time, so I continued to study.
One day, I stopped drinking and started using steroids instead. (That’s a common pattern for my male clients, especially those who’ve been sexually abused. We don’t want to be small, we want to be big and dangerous. Steroids almost magically make that happen.) I didn’t perceive it as an addiction at the time. Everyone was doing them, and steroids aren’t drugs, like heroin or amphetamines, they’re just testosterone. But at the end of my training to become a high school teacher, steroids made me really sick.
I faced the shame of admitting that I’d been doing steroids while taking a degree to become a teacher, and decided there and then not to tell anyone. If I lived, I’d live. If I died, I’d die. That was the last time I used steroids. When I stopped, I took on extra jobs and studied full time. My nightly criminal activities stopped and I worked instead. I worked full time and studied full time and trained 12 times a week.
Wanting to be somebody also drove me to work all the time. Of course I wanted to help people and do good, but serving others is a good way to be somebody, to have some worth, to be important. It drove me to work 80 hours a week; manage 3 treatment centers, work with clients and staff, and be on call all the time.
The major pitfall of all of that work was that it became impossible to have healthy relationships with myself or others. It wasn’t possible to care for myself in a healthy, authentic way. I did a lot of exercise and trained a lot. I used to be a competitive Roman Wrestler and I’m still a good athlete, but it wasn’t healthy. It cost me time with my family and I missed out on special experiences.
What actually stopped this cycle, or woke me up, happened 10 years ago this past summer. The 22nd of August, 2014, when a client tried to kill me…
The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, transformation, healing, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the interview, and if you like it, please subscribe, leave a rating or review, and share it with others in your community.
