Jordan is a a Polarity Integration Consultant, Plant Medicine Guide, Accidental Activist for Transyouth Suicide Prevention, International Speaker and Creator of the Alchemy of Authenticity Coaching and the HeartLine Approach to Gender Affirmation. His training includes Neuro-linguistic programming, Compassionate Inquiry® and Somatic Experiencing. Tapping into his Indigenous ancestry, he lives in alignment with the land, trees, water, air and self.
This post references a short excerpt of Jordan’s story of transformation and healing through Compassionate Inquiry.® Listen to his full interview on The Gifts of Trauma Podcast.
Photo Credit: Stockcake
My work is to meet people where they are and love them exactly as they are. If someone’s behavior is outside what we call, ‘normal adult behavior,’ I see their five year old driving their emotional bus, and my love and compassion rises. That comes partly from my Compassionate Inquiry® training and partly from my own journey. Not having felt or been very lovable myself elicits compassion for my own five year old, who sometimes drives my bus.
Getting to this state has been a journey. Many years ago, I found Gabor’s book, Scattered Minds. Halfway through it, I looked around my apartment, wondering… does he have cameras in here? So many things in that book were true for me. I studied it for a year. I put it on my altar. There are many things around ADHD and autism you can’t heal, but there are many aspects you can. Gabor gave me permission to heal.
How can I love myself, a trans guy who’s sometimes messy? To really accept myself, with love and grace, took going back to my roots and plant medicine. It was a big shift for me, because while I was born knowing who I am, I grew up in a world of shame and guilt.
My mother has a picture of me, in the bathroom with a towel on my face because I cut myself shaving at two years of age. I wasn’t putting her lipstick on, like my sister. I was trying to be like dad. At five, I had a little leather jacket you couldn’t get me out of. And at six, I threw a fit about wearing a dress, because dresses are for girls. It’s hard to imagine how, at six, I knew I was a boy. I didn’t fit the mold. I tried really hard to be the girl that I was born as, but I didn’t know how. Nothing about being a girl resonated with me.
Brene Brown says shame believes, “I am a bad person,” and guilt believes, “I’ve done something bad”. For my whole life I was told I was bad. Much of my wounding comes from my conservative religious background. I call it religious abuse. As a kid growing up, I was told that everything I did was going to send me to hell. I was programmed to feel less than, to put everybody else first, to not have a voice. I felt so unloved. I was six the first time I remember not wanting to be here anymore. Parents think they know what’s best for their kids, but how does a six year old want to commit suicide?
Fast forwarding to my moment of realization. it was midnight in California, I had a handful of pills and a glass of water. Sitting there, eyes raised to the heavens, I laid it on the line for God. “If you don’t help me understand the trans body I’m in, I’m coming to meet you.” Clear as anything, I heard a response. “When you’re already in hell, there’s no place to go.” Then my phone rang. It was my sister. I put down my glass of water and picked up the phone. She lives in Oklahoma and it was two am there, so I asked, “Is everything ok? Why are you calling now? I’m getting ready to end my life.” She said, “I just needed to hear your voice.” At that moment, I lost my religion and found my faith. Thanks to divine intervention, I understood that I’m not alone, that I’m here for a purpose.
I believe that I chose my parents before I was born, and I chose this life to learn how to love. I chose an amazing father. My parents separated when I was two and I moved in with my dad when I was six. My mom didn’t know what to do with me. I was stuffing a sock in my pants because I didn’t know where my penis went, but I knew where it was supposed to be. So I put the sock there instead. My dad was a Texas country boy. When I moved in with him, he put a table by the front door and said, “When we go out, put your sock here, but as soon as we come back, you can pick it up.” He was the epitome of love, and he saw me. I wore cowboy boots, wrangler jeans, button down shirts and a cowboy hat. When we went to visit his family in northern Texas, all preachers who believed that girls don’t wear pants, they asked my dad, “Why do you let your little girl wear pants?” My dad said simply, “My child can wear anything they want.” When I was 19, I said, “Dad, I’m not a boy, I’m not your son, I’m a lesbian.” He said, “I think you’re the best of both”. That’s who I was to him, because I’ve always had this huge heart. He was my defender every step of the way and I am so grateful for him.
It took that moment with a handful of pills and a glass of water to see that what I struggle with is just my programming. I get to choose. It took divine intervention to bring me to that point, and I chose life. And it took Gabor to help me take 100% responsibility for every thought, feeling and emotion I have. Because doing so takes me to where I want to be, in joy and love and light.
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The Gifts of Trauma is a weekly podcast that features personal stories of trauma, healing, transformation, and the gifts revealed on the path to authenticity. Listen to the interview, and if you like it, please subscribe and share.
